Decisions you make...

My parents always told me, the decisions you make will shape your future. 

Let that reverberate in your mind. Let it reflect on your past decisions. Then look at what took shape after them. 

Many of us make hundreds if not millions of decisions a day. From the moment you open your eyes, your first decision is 'should I get up?' Then your mind is flooded with things you have to get accomplished today. It is a vicious cycle of decisions. From brushing your teeth, washing you hair, or that extra cup of coffee. What should I wear, shall I shave, what colors of eye shadow shall I wear. Flooded indeed.

But some of the most difficult decisions will affect your life. But the hardest part is determining how it will effect your future. 

One peeve of mine, while watching a lot of news shows, I hear of the deaths of a young gang member. In the background you hear the bleeding hearts of a mother asking why; 'but he/she was a good person.' Now be prepared here, because my insensitivity is rearing its ugly head here. Understand, I do feel bad that a young person has lost the right to life. But, here I am canceling everything I just said, what decisions did that person make to change his or her future to this?

Firstly, I would see that they have decided to be in a gang. Secondly, they are fully aware of the risks and still make that decision to be in a gang. Thirdly, even if they indirectly haven't done anything wrong, they will be affected by their decisions to be in that gang. I could go on with my list, but I am going to stay with these.

It really angers me that the decision that this good fine young person, who now removed from our lives, has now affected the future and the people surrounding them. 

It is these decisions that we don't think about. Our self absorbed decisions have now a rippling effect on others. Madam, your son or daughter has made a poor decision and has paid an ultimately high price. That now has rippled down into your life, where you remember with the rose colored glasses of a life that has past. You, my dear mother, know the dangers, know the woes that come with this child's decisions. Good or not they were in life, they have chosen that life. Except it. Cry for the loss, but don't tell everyone that this person was a good person. What of those who made a decision to walk, play, or be somewhere where an act of gang violence just so happens to strip them of their lives. They did not chose to be effected by the decisions of these people. Those parents have a right to ask why and this was a good person.

We don't think that a small simple decision will dismantle our future or enhance it. We only see the here and now. That is what my parents were trying to tell me. To chose wisely. To use clarity of what it will do for the tomorrows to come. Sometimes we can't see past the moment or we are wrapped up in its folds that we don't see what it will do later. The hardest part about it is, most of the time, we can not change it. 

It there we need to accept it and learn from it. 

Don't think that I haven't made some bad decisions, I am far from sainthood than the likes of mother Teresa or Ghandi. It seems they learned there clarity in decision making early in life. I have made some horrid choices. But I have made some the best ones that have effected me forever. I have learned somewhat that making a decision will change my future. But to those others who have became effected by them have had to learn that is the decisions that I have made. Good or bad, I made them. 

So learn to see with as much clarity as possible people. What you decide today will affect your tomorrow. Right or wrong, own up to them. And to those who are affected by our decisions, learn to accept them. You were not making the decision for them. They made it, they are an individual and have their own mind.

Hard as it can be, learn from the decisions you make and learn to accept the decisions of other. Know good and well, it will be your tomorrow.

Divided Lines

I don't like get into politically challenged topics. But, this one has been on my mind and uttered by my friends, family and everyone in between. This new, what I call a forced acceptance of the allowance of marriage. Now understand, I have no issues with whom you should or should not be married to. It is when someone asks your opinion on how YOU feel on the subject and then, then their noses are bent on YOUR opinion.

Keep in mind, it is not in my nature to judge or to be allowed to be judged by others for what I believe or don't believe. My opinion is just that an opinion. Nothing more, for which, I don't judge you for yours. I honor it....why? Because I honor and respect you for what you have to say. Even if I don't agree with it. If I didn't, I would not of asked for it.

It is this division that people forget. It is what we have fought for and millions have died for. Lives are destroyed and bonds are forged on opinions. These divisions continue to places wedges against father against father, mother against mother, fathers against sons, sons against fathers, mothers against daughters...friend against friend....and so on and so forth. Till ultimately race against race and nation against nation. Do you get the idea?

If we don't honor or respect the words uttered from someone, we turn to hate, division, and hostility. All  things that we tend try to avoid. Doesn't the human race get it? *shakes head* 

Normally I would say someone out there will get it. But down deep, daily we do this. For instance, let's take a trip to the grocery store. Let's take a look at what's in the grocery basket. Have you looked at someone and made judgements about what they have in the cart? I will admit I have. But I have to remind myself, that those items are their choices. Does that make them bad? No...open your eyes. They are still a human being.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are many people who stray from the cart and make choices that we or should I say "I " would not choose for me or my family. I cannot condemn them for what I consider as a staple in their lives. The only right I have is to worry about what goes into my cart. If someone else offers or I ask for it, it is up to me to decide if I take it. If I don't, no harm no foul people. Same with opinions.

My step dad told me a bit of advice many many years ago. Advice (this goes for opinions) is free. It is up to you to decide if it will work for you. Then few years later I was offered a good one to my stepdad's, when hearing advice (again opinions included), you can A, B, C or D them. A, accept it. B, borrow it. C, change it to your advantage. Or D them, in which you destroy them.

It is up to you. If you ask for an opinion or advice, prepare yourself for their answer. Don't judge them, because you opened that door to honor and respect them for who they are. Understand, I may write something that you may not agree with or fully understand at this point in time. But I do ask, respect and honor me for who I am. Not for what I believe in, which includes how I feel. You won't see me breaking a stick over your head, because you opinion is definitely different from mine. It may upset me, but changes nothing about who you are and why I like you.

Thanks for reading this, which as for my opinion on the nuptials of others. That is your choice not mine, I am truly happy for you. For you have found love and connection. Congratulations to you and many blessings. Just please understand it's just not for me to change my Facebook pix to reflect a rainbow choice. I try to stay neutral for many reasons.....two are....I honor and respect you for who you are, not by the items in your cart. Peace and blessings!

Time

Wow, been a long time since I have written. I have been trying to remember my password and email to get back to my writings, and just by an error I stumbled across it. Which brings me to write something just to let my mind ramble.

Time...it can be a splendid thing to us all. For me, it has been time to reflect on myself and gather my thoughts of my past, my present and glimpses of my future. It has been a tough few years to keep things in, the stitches that have held me together. The seams a bit frayed, but the fabric of time still intact. The memories flood to only ebb with the waves to change the terrain. Molding me into stronger currents of the shore. Ever changing my scenery. Filling me, then only leaving the shores of my soul refreshed and blank as a canvas that surrounds me.

Time....let the breeze come and sweep across my face to only die down to let the rays of bright illuminate me. Dancing a swirling, that only the butterflies seem to know the dance, allowing my soul to erupt through the earth, to bare the roots of new growth. Feeling the warmth of the sunshine to push forth the beauty that has been seeded for so long.

Time.....yes, my dear, it is Time.

Challenging the Gauntlet of Inner Voices

I have been challenged. A good, loving friend has thrown down the gauntlet and I have picked it up and accepted this challenge. This is going to be the hardest one for me, because, I am going to expose the inner voices in my head, here, raw, and no editing. This is the scariest entry for me, because it is what I have to fight everyday. I am exposing myself and sharing myself to be judged and scrutinized. So yes this is what I am calling a "Rambling Warrior alert". So here we go.....

Looks in the mirror:

your face is fat and swollen...hair is crappy...greasy.....blood red eyes....your boobs are too big...blackheads...white heads....your just a slob...you don't care about yourself...you eat too much to hide your pain....you smell bad...your skin is greasy....you can't wear that....it makes you look fat....that is too much make-up...what are you hiding....no one is going to care about you...your going to say the wrong thing....your going to be too forward and hurt someones feelings....why did you say that to that person...your under appreciated....you can't stand up for yourself when ppl just fucking step on you...you deserved it....your father doesn't care about you....he loves your husband more than you....where did you get that idea...your not smart...your socially inept...hide...hide...hide...cause it is safer for you than to face the pain that the world will cause....your ugly to everyone....your not interesting.....stay lonely....no one can hurt you that way....you can't take care of yourself so what makes you think you can take care of your husband or daughter....your a failure in anything that you do...just take it...take what the world dishes out, you deserve no breaks in life...you can't hold on to what is good...you fight it with everything you have....you ignore the fact that people want to get close, that way you don't have to put your heart on your sleeve to only be slapped....where is your love for yourself....look at you, you fat pig.....you think your are smart, your not....why can't I cry....because you don't want to let the feelings just flow you idiot.....you are toxic to everyone and anything you do....your under appreciated cause your not worth it.....don't get so emotional, their not worth it and no body wants to hear you complain....your only going to get hurt....eat some more...it will make you feel better....i can't sleep cause there is no reason to relax...your a dejected soul.....when someone asks for help...you just stand there....your a jerk......you have no friends that care...you just think they do.....don't get involved...involvement consists of sharing your feelings and no one cares about what you have to say...your unimportant...insignificant....i can't work out...stay fat....just end it....end all....you wont' be missed.....you can't lead cause you can't even keep your life straight...why do it again...it is only going to hurt....don't go to that party....run...run...run...no need to face it.....you can't work on anything....don't join that group...that means you will have to deal with ppl.....you have no family....you just think you do....don't complain...no one what to hear you....you will only get ignored....you have nothing in common with anyone...your all alone....someone is going to get you so don't go out....why do the chores....no one cares enough to help you....do it yourself that is the only way your going to stay safe.....i hate you.....look at yourself your just fat white trash...you will never get anywhere in life....you have no friends...they just humor you because of your husband or your daughter...your a failure......you can't finish anything in your life.....all you can do is run....you have no value in this world so stop wanting to be validated...your lazy, sleep all the time....make excuses, so you don't have to do it......scream....scream....scream...no...don't be emotional...no one wants to hear it....they have better things going on in their lives and you don't need to be included.....your not beautiful....your not sexy...you only think that your loved....let life pass you by...no one will notice, they never have and never will.....just take that pill again...loose everything cause really it was never yours....your father died because he couldn't bare the thought of what you would become.....your mother abused you because you deserved it....don't cry because no one wants to hear it from a cry baby like you....don't let anyone pity you cause your not worth it....don't fight back...just give in...let them walk over you....don't ask anyone for help they won't care or even help you....you don't belong to any circle of friends because they don't want a loser like you in their circle....you will never fit in.....don't look forward to tomorrow it will be the same as today and yesterday....your afraid to do anything because it requires change....you don't want to change...it is safer....instead of speaking up when hurt you just take it because it easier to let them win...because your a loser....welcome to the hell you have built....it is what you deserve in life......

This is only a fraction of the inner voices that I hear. There are so many from day to day. There is a constant bombardment of inner sayings that I fight everyday, just to find my worth. I am not insane, I am not crazy and I am not mentally sick. My friend wanted me to just write them down to show myself of the constant fights I have on a daily basis. I fight this voice every waking moment, and I win a lot of them. But that doesn't mean that those voices stop and that doesn't mean that I give up. I have learned from what my friend has asked, just to write them down and finally see those words. I now must fight them, I am a fighter and a survivor. Thank you for challenging me....now I see those words and cry for the first time. It is time for this to change. And yes, this is the toughest entry to publish, but i need to move forward and let myself finally release and reconcile with my inner voice. So, here it goes....

Eye of the Beholder

We all know the saying: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".....but what would you say in return? For me, I would say back "Behold the Eye of Beauty".

I see it all the time....in a small child's smile. A mother and child's embrace. Husband and wife, holding hands walking down the path. An elderly couple snuggling together like it is their first date. These all just the awe-factors in life and yes we all see that.

But, what about the beauty that hides behind the eyes of a beautiful person. We see them all the time, but yet we only look at the outer beauty. But why? Could it be that we have guarded ourselves so much that we have forgotten how to see it?

I have many beautiful friends....of the vain kind. Those who spend way too much time in the bathroom primping to no end...to only come out and say "I give up!" They go to the closet to find the right outfit for the right occasion to only come out after trying everything on, exclaiming: "I give up!"

*Smacks forehead*.....that's it.....there is the answer to my question. Why do we not look past the outer beauty? Because we give up on it.

We are so hung up on the outer beauty that the inner beauty has not one chance to manifest itself! Think on that one for a moment.......*looks at watch.....looks about the room.....goes to get mail.....comes back* Now ask yourself.....do you look for the beauty within? or do you look for the makeup, right clothes, plastic surgery or even their false kindness?

I know one lady who keeps getting it wrong with men....she has always looked at what is on the outside of the package. But yet those with inner beauty...she keeps as friends because they are not outwardly attractive. With many men in her wake, two marriages, one done and over with and the current one on the verge of collapse...she has missed the mark of the beauty of that soul...the one, I know would make her eternally happy in her life. This pains me when I talk to her....I want to yell and scream....just look how handsome he is....referring to his inner beauty....no...he may not be a drop dead looker, but hey....he is a catch! I love her eternally, known her since she was 9 and when I met her I was only 19. I have gone thru the good times and the bad times. And, yes, I have given her my advice on the guys she has dated....and married. Told her many times, the ones that I have seen the inner beauty that would make her happy, are the keepers. But, yet she tells me she isn't physically attracted to them because they are not outwardly beautiful to her. It is so frustrating to me.

We walk past beauty all the time, and we miss the mark.

Then there is the beauty that I look for....I look inside the eyes of that person...and I see wondrous things that has made them who they are.

I am the kind who sees the whole package and wants to just rip the outer packaging and delve into the beauty of the inner soul...Wonder at the glory of this person who I have deemed worthy of the Eye of the Beholder, so to speak. It is that beauty that makes me happy...makes me want to be near them and find the fun that they will share with me, and make many memories in its wake.

I will admit...taking a leap of faith so to speak to get to see that soul is sometimes hard for me to do. But, with some hesitation and some encouragement, I make the effort. Sometimes, it will take someone who will tap me on the shoulder and say...hey..over here...don't be afraid.

So, where is your Eye? Do you look at the outer wrappings, the pretty paper that the soul is wrapped in? or do you look for the whole inner package? If you are the one who is looking at the outer packaging....stop and embrace the inner beauty of everyone. Look past past that outer packaging...you just might find a diamond amongst the lumps of coal.

If you know me....then you know I have found a many of diamonds. So smile, the Eye of the Beholder is upon you.

I am no maid....

*Alert! Total ramblings here*

I tell ya...it is a week of irritability for me. I can not count on my hands and toes how many times I have had to start my dishwasher this morning....rinse a dish, that my lovely daughter, who is 24 and doesn't seem to know how to wash a dish, clean up a mess, or put things away,...lets not forget how many times I have stepped on the cat, because he is lying in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Why am I so irritable?

My allergies are buggin me so bad....dogs keep loosing their fur all over my freshly vacuumed floor....my face itches.....my nose is running away like the drippy kitchen facet.

I am ignored while in a conversation of a party of four...but yet the other three are having a grand time.....my thryoid medication hasn't arrived and my body is feeling like a smoldering flame that has been sprayed with water and is now water logged....

I stick...haven't showered because I have no patience for the constant deluge of water.....sun is making my eyes water....I feel so alone today.....but have no energy to make the effort to talk to someone.....

Why am I feeling like I am the 'cinder' girl today? I want to scream....I want to hit something....but my instincts keep me in check. Grrrrr....I hate you right now....

Why am I constantly the one who cleans up everything.....why can't I have a say in anything with out someone making me feel like my breath is a waste to even speak?

Why can't my friggin' dishwasher just work...so I don't have to pull out the dish drainer and wash all those dishes by hand? *click....it goes off again*.....damn it!

Where is my fairy godmother...to wave her magic wand and just make everything right?

Oi vey!......I am finding today is going to be just taxing just to even move.....I want to curl up in the fetal position and just cry......'you can't do that' I hear ringing in my ears...you have laundry to do.....clothes....folding...put away....crap...more things to bitch about.

I am sitting here and watching 'Muppets-Treasure Island'....and the song, 'Cabin Fever' has just come on....thats it....lets just chalk up all this to Cabin Fever.....but wait....I seem to have this daily.....Oh why can't I just go to the ball in a beautiful gown and everyone 'ooo's and ahhhh's' me.

No where to go....and no little mouse to comfort me.....

I warned ya....all ramblings!

Direct me to the edge....

We all ask for directions once in a while....ok...men....they have some difficulties in stopping and asking for directions. *I know all to well about the scenic route....taken it a time or two with my husband*...lol... But us women.....we are bold and have no regrets, we admit when we are lost and have no problems in stopping to ask for directions. This happened to me today in fact....

A damsel in distress had admitted to her lost attempts and went to seek out someone to put her on the right path. With a grin....I pointed her in the right direction and off she went.....easy peasy.

Now, why is it we have a hard time asking for direction in our own life? Could it be that we are just too proud? Or do we think we know what is best for us? Wouldn't stopping and asking for direction be easier?

In our lives we do this all the time.....we run into an area of our lives and we know we are taking the wrong turns. But yet, we ignore that voice in our head that tells us that we need help. 'Just stop" it implores. "Ask for help" it says.

Why? Why do we do this? Because....because we are afraid. Reason? Because we have usually been hurt so many times when we have reached out for help. The constant bashing we have taken has made us fear each other. To shy away from one another. The one thing that can save us from the edges of a wrong turn....are others who could help.

But, we have chosen to take what we share with each other and use it against us, to harm us...to berate and belittle us for their own advancement.

You can't even walk down the street and look at someone without they assuming that you are looking at them with some sort of hatred or disgust. A person just waving to you can be construed as something of a gang sign....or taken as you flipping them off.

When in fact, walking down the street you have made mental note of some incident that is badly going wrong in your life and you just happened to frown when that car past...or person walking by. *I have done this many of times....and believe me.....I have gotten alot of sign language...obscene banter that is totally unwarranted.* You just may end up on the wrong side of things

Where did it all go wrong, when did people observe and make decisions about what you are thinking about them.....*I was just walking here*...people get shot for just asking directions...people get shot for just looking the way they do.....people get beat up, stabbed, and throw shit at....by someone just making the wrong turn about your directional walking.

This has led us to the edge....no one can look at anyone anymore. We can't ask for directions, because we are scared. In so many ways.

Understand, I am not saying that is happens everywhere....but it happens in so many places now days.

I had to thwart my daughter, when she was younger, just for this action. One day, when a woman mouthed some colorful words in the car next to us, which she just so happened upon my daughter's gaze, this was my daughter's assumption. But when I looked at the woman....she was singing at the top of her lungs in her air conditioned car to the song in which I knew all to well cause I had sang them in my air conditioned car many times before. That is when I first observed this....it was then I explained to my daughter. 'Never assume...it makes an arse out of you and me'

That is why we don't ask for direction in our lives....all because of the assumptions.....sad isn't it?

Their are so many of us out there, just waiting to ask for directions.....but we have to be so careful that the assumptions out way the benefits of getting the right directions. The risks to do so, are way too high....to hard to gamble with....because we have so much to loose. So what happens? We keep going the wrong direction and find ourselves at the edge.

We become farther and farther torn apart form stopping and doing the right thing and asking for directions in our lives. No where to turn and no GPS system to help us...*sorry 'TomTom'* There are no maps to show us to our proper destinations. We find ourselves lost.....

So we must face and suffer the effects....finding ourselves at the edge.....with no directions to the place we want to be.....