Challenging the Gauntlet of Inner Voices

I have been challenged. A good, loving friend has thrown down the gauntlet and I have picked it up and accepted this challenge. This is going to be the hardest one for me, because, I am going to expose the inner voices in my head, here, raw, and no editing. This is the scariest entry for me, because it is what I have to fight everyday. I am exposing myself and sharing myself to be judged and scrutinized. So yes this is what I am calling a "Rambling Warrior alert". So here we go.....

Looks in the mirror:

your face is fat and swollen...hair is crappy...greasy.....blood red eyes....your boobs are too big...blackheads...white heads....your just a slob...you don't care about yourself...you eat too much to hide your pain....you smell bad...your skin is greasy....you can't wear that....it makes you look fat....that is too much make-up...what are you hiding....no one is going to care about you...your going to say the wrong thing....your going to be too forward and hurt someones feelings....why did you say that to that person...your under appreciated....you can't stand up for yourself when ppl just fucking step on you...you deserved it....your father doesn't care about you....he loves your husband more than you....where did you get that idea...your not smart...your socially inept...hide...hide...hide...cause it is safer for you than to face the pain that the world will cause....your ugly to everyone....your not interesting.....stay lonely....no one can hurt you that way....you can't take care of yourself so what makes you think you can take care of your husband or daughter....your a failure in anything that you do...just take it...take what the world dishes out, you deserve no breaks in life...you can't hold on to what is good...you fight it with everything you have....you ignore the fact that people want to get close, that way you don't have to put your heart on your sleeve to only be slapped....where is your love for yourself....look at you, you fat pig.....you think your are smart, your not....why can't I cry....because you don't want to let the feelings just flow you idiot.....you are toxic to everyone and anything you do....your under appreciated cause your not worth it.....don't get so emotional, their not worth it and no body wants to hear you complain....your only going to get hurt....eat some more...it will make you feel better....i can't sleep cause there is no reason to relax...your a dejected soul.....when someone asks for help...you just stand there....your a jerk......you have no friends that care...you just think they do.....don't get involved...involvement consists of sharing your feelings and no one cares about what you have to say...your unimportant...insignificant....i can't work out...stay fat....just end it....end all....you wont' be missed.....you can't lead cause you can't even keep your life straight...why do it again...it is only going to hurt....don't go to that party....run...run...run...no need to face it.....you can't work on anything....don't join that group...that means you will have to deal with ppl.....you have no family....you just think you do....don't complain...no one what to hear you....you will only get ignored....you have nothing in common with anyone...your all alone....someone is going to get you so don't go out....why do the chores....no one cares enough to help you....do it yourself that is the only way your going to stay safe.....i hate you.....look at yourself your just fat white trash...you will never get anywhere in life....you have no friends...they just humor you because of your husband or your daughter...your a failure......you can't finish anything in your life.....all you can do is run....you have no value in this world so stop wanting to be validated...your lazy, sleep all the time....make excuses, so you don't have to do it......scream....scream....scream...no...don't be emotional...no one wants to hear it....they have better things going on in their lives and you don't need to be included.....your not beautiful....your not sexy...you only think that your loved....let life pass you by...no one will notice, they never have and never will.....just take that pill again...loose everything cause really it was never yours....your father died because he couldn't bare the thought of what you would become.....your mother abused you because you deserved it....don't cry because no one wants to hear it from a cry baby like you....don't let anyone pity you cause your not worth it....don't fight back...just give in...let them walk over you....don't ask anyone for help they won't care or even help you....you don't belong to any circle of friends because they don't want a loser like you in their circle....you will never fit in.....don't look forward to tomorrow it will be the same as today and yesterday....your afraid to do anything because it requires change....you don't want to change...it is safer....instead of speaking up when hurt you just take it because it easier to let them win...because your a loser....welcome to the hell you have built....it is what you deserve in life......

This is only a fraction of the inner voices that I hear. There are so many from day to day. There is a constant bombardment of inner sayings that I fight everyday, just to find my worth. I am not insane, I am not crazy and I am not mentally sick. My friend wanted me to just write them down to show myself of the constant fights I have on a daily basis. I fight this voice every waking moment, and I win a lot of them. But that doesn't mean that those voices stop and that doesn't mean that I give up. I have learned from what my friend has asked, just to write them down and finally see those words. I now must fight them, I am a fighter and a survivor. Thank you for challenging me....now I see those words and cry for the first time. It is time for this to change. And yes, this is the toughest entry to publish, but i need to move forward and let myself finally release and reconcile with my inner voice. So, here it goes....