It is true for a lot of us. As it is for me....
I will begin with a confession....I know those of you like those juicy gossip mongering details about people. So here it goes...I am taking part of a skeleton in my closet. You can't use this weapon against me...because I have put it on the table in my life and with my family.
*Takes a deep breath in*
I am an addict....I admit it...for over 20 some years I was addicted to pain medications. I first took them for pain for my endometreosis. So much pain within my reproductive systems that would never seem to cease. Doctor visits....after doctor visits to diagnose that disease. Many pain medications were just handed to me to just shut me up. I took them....at first with great hesitation. It would relieve my pain. But somewhere, I lost the reasons why I was taking them....to this day I still don't know where it went wrong.
Soon, just taking them for pain wasn't enough....it gave me a euphoric and satisfying feeling within. I soon found myself taking them when I couldn't handle stress....daily stress, work stress, parenting stress and marriage stress. The pills just kept flowing....pill after pill...bottle after bottle....doctor after doctor.
I know why I took them....I did it so I wouldn't deal with the underlying issues of my life. To mask the pain, so to speak, that was deep within my soul. I hated living....found life confusing, frustrating and to top it off, just to deal with the pain I felt within my heart was so......so unbearable. Tears flowed daily....anger spewed from my lips....battles of pain were dished out so profusely...I was lost, lost within a huge labyrinth, where I found no way to escape it.
I soon found myself going to shady places in different cities to obtain that pain blocker. I once woke up in my dealer's home....stomach all nervous, cause I knew I had been away too long from my husband and daughter. I would argue to my husband I needed them for this pain...that pain...back pain *which wasn't a lie, but used it the full extend of it as I could*
I was lost...in a haze....loved it...but hated it all the same. It would make me feel powerful, but, yet so weak. I could stay awake longer....get things done that needed to be done. Shallow feelings, smiles to make everyone think nothing was wrong in my life. It was like be a superhero...and yet....no one but my husband and daughter knew. I was good at hiding the fact that I had a weakness that was so dark.
But, finally after my back surgery in 2009...I took a huge step forward in the third week of my healing....I quit all pain meds....ugh....the pain...the withdrawal....all cold stone turkey I may add.
Sick...cold chills....sensitivity to touch....for about 3 weeks this went on.
I cried...screamed....pounded the floor....kicked my pillows.....sweated.....shook....cried out to God....*which I may add, never answered*...starved myself....ate like a horse...slept....awake.....jumped up and down, flailing my arms in the air....curled up into a ball.....
The withdrawals were painful and horrid....and yes I discovered why most addicts want to go back on their bitter pills.....once the majority of withdrawals had subsided, I went into a recovery group soon after.
Did it help? Yes to some degree...but the memories of childhood...pain of motherhood...pain of marriage *don't get me wrong, I love my husband*.....pain of just living life....were the hardest to take. I became physically ill when dealing with them. I would find myself throwing up before I had to attend...throwing up on my way there....and of course you guessed it....once I had arrived. They were so painful that I had to remove myself from the recovery group, because I felt that I was doing damage to the healings of others within the group.
So I set off on my journey to understand my addiction....the ways I would hide and cover the pain I felt so deep with in my soul. It helped....I would talk to my husband about my concerns, my fears, my pain. Just to look into those soft brown eyes and to see him through my world was scary.
They say honesty is the best policy....but to me....just putting it out there and telling him...'I am not asking you to fix me, I just want you to listen'. It worked, I could take small breaths at first....as the iron weight of my emotional pain would slowly be lifted, one shaving at a time. He listened, he would hold me from time to time.....but never offered to solve the problems of this 'Wounded Warrior'. It was as if he just held my hand as I healed. Walked beside me when I needed his presence. Lifted me up in his arms when I felt I couldn't walk that next step.
Now, almost 4 and half years later....sober....and trying hard to deal with the pain that life dishes out, not just in one serving .....but heaping loads of it as seconds, thirds and fourths. I have found that he has been there with me to just lend me his ear, his hand, his attention, and his strength when I am in need of it and of course use his humorous magical spells when he felt it was time I needed to smile.
And yes, even today, I still have withdrawals....I will continually yearn for that pill to make it all go away, even if it is just a blink in time for me.
Now for the understanding.....it is hard for me....there are days when I struggle to stay afloat in this big sea of life. Sometimes, I feel that I am being punished for those years that I will never be able to take back...fix....rewind....amend all the pain I caused to others.
Understand this, I can't and won't fix your pain....because.....you have to find ways to heal your wounds. I can only be an instrument of your healing process. I can only work on healing my pain....the strength is within me...all the locked doors I have.....I have the keys....I know how to unlock them. But, find it hard to walk past the doors that I have thought I have healed....why? I do not rightly know or understand. All I know is that I have to keep walking to the next door and unlock it and open it and let it be. But you, those that I have hurt....you have to find your way to heal your own pain from the trauma's that I may of cause you.
It is my make-up...it is what makes me....well me.
I have to accept the things that I cannot change...and accept the things I heal to move on. Stop living for others and just live for myself. Just be happy with who I am and not living up to the expectations of what people want me to be. I want to live....love and just be happy for the time I have with this stage of my life. There is nothing wrong with that...I see the selfishness of others who want me to be who they are...I won't and I cannot *stomps foot, like a child*...you cannot make me....if I choose it...then I will.
So here I plow...through the bitter taste of the pill of life....